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Main

Philosophy

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.



George Carlin

Philosophy

And now, in the interest of equal
timeDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”



George Carlin

Philosophy

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.



George Carlin

Philosophy

AtheismDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
is a non-prophet organization.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he
thoughtDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
he was a painter.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.



George Carlin

Philosophy

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the
truthDefinition of truth: Accordance with the reality resp. a fact. The accuracy of the reflection of reality is meant with the notion of truth.
.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work
thingsDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
’s stuff.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a
betterDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
view.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Do you
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?



George Carlin

Philosophy

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4
timesDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?



George Carlin

Philosophy

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.



George Carlin

Philosophy

GodDefinition of God: With God, goddess or deity is meant a supernatural being, to whom special worship is given. Special qualities are attributed to this being, for example, to be the origin or creator of the universe and of all living beings. Even omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotence are often attributed to it.
bless the homicidal maniacs. They make
lifeDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
worthwhile.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?



George Carlin

Philosophy

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?



George Carlin

Philosophy

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long
timeDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Have you noticed that most of the
womenDefinition of man: Homo sapiens sapiens. A higher mammal of the biological order of primates. Able to reason according to the label.
who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in
natureDefinition of nature: That which was not created by man. Also: the essence of a thing.
.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”



George Carlin

Philosophy

Honesty may be the
bestDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Hooray for most
thingsDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
!



George Carlin

Philosophy

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!



George Carlin

Philosophy

I don’t like to
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
who believe it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I
knewDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I
loveDefinition of love: The most powerful form of affection and appreciation that a being can bring towards another being, or a thing.
and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
I am, therefore, I am. I think.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
everyone should treat one another in a
ChristianDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you
knowDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
, you grow.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I wanna
liveDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a
manDefinition of man: Homo sapiens sapiens. A higher mammal of the biological order of primates. Able to reason according to the label.
nailed to two pieces of wood.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?



George Carlin

Philosophy

If a
manDefinition of man: Homo sapiens sapiens. A higher mammal of the biological order of primates. Able to reason according to the label.
smiles all the
timeDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If it’s true that our species is alone in the
universeDefinition of universe: The totality of all existing things that can influence each other. Our physical universe consists of space, time, matter, and energy, where mass and energy can pass into one another, and time is an additional dimension. That is, in addition to the space-time-continuum one could also speak of the energy-mass-continuum.
, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?



George Carlin

Philosophy

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!



George Carlin

Philosophy

If you
liveDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
long enough, sooner or later everybody you
knowDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
has cancer.



George Carlin

Philosophy

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.



George Carlin

Philosophy

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Instead of warning pregnant
womenDefinition of man: Homo sapiens sapiens. A higher mammal of the biological order of primates. Able to reason according to the label.
not to drink, I
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?



George Carlin

Philosophy

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.



George Carlin

Philosophy

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Just
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Just when I discovered the meaning of
lifeDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
, they changed it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

LifeDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
is a zero sum game.



George Carlin

Philosophy

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Most of the
timeDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Most
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
with low self-esteem have earned it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Most
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.



George Carlin

Philosophy

No one
knowsDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
what’s next, but everybody does it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want
liveDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.



George Carlin

Philosophy

One great
thingDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.



George Carlin

Philosophy

ReligionDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
has convinced
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
that there’s an invisible
manDefinition of man: Homo sapiens sapiens. A higher mammal of the biological order of primates. Able to reason according to the label.
…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every
minuteDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
of every
dayDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific
thingsDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to
liveDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of
timeDefinition of time: General term for the experienced changes in our environment and ourselves. It can be gauged by the magnitude of the change.
. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”



George Carlin

Philosophy

So I say, “
LiveDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.



George Carlin

Philosophy

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Somehow I enjoy watching
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
suffer.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!



George Carlin

Philosophy

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The IQ and the
lifeDefinition of life: The amount of functioning organisms in the physical universe. Their typical properties are: energy and metabolism, organization, susceptibility, reproductive capacity, heredity and growth.
expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The
bestDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The future will soon be a
thingDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
of the past.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The only
goodDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
thing ever to come out of
religionDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
was the music.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The planet is fine. The
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
are fucked.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and
politiciansDefinition of politics: Politics is the determination of the way of living together in a community by enforced guidelines or instructions.
. It creates a hostile work environment.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.



George Carlin

Philosophy

The very
existenceDefinition of existence: The universal presence of a physical or spiritual thing or entity. It is the cause of everything else and is at the basis of everything else.
of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You
knowDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
, I want to set those
peopleDefinition of people: A generalizing concept for human beings or persons. Typically one means ones own countrymen, or the people in ones own respective environment.
over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”



George Carlin

Philosophy

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You
knowDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.



George Carlin

Philosophy

ThinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Thou shalt keep thy
religionDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
to thyself.



George Carlin

Philosophy

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered
lightDefinition of light: In classical physics, light is the electromagnetic radiation that is visible to the human eye. Actually, light is of quantum objects, photons. The wavy appearance is caused by their quantum character.
by morning.



George Carlin

Philosophy

What was the
bestDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
thing before sliced bread?



George Carlin

Philosophy

What year did Jesus
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
it was?



George Carlin

Philosophy

When you
thinkDefinition of mind: The ability to think, so instead of just concrete objects, to spiritually consider abstract principles.
about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.



George Carlin

Philosophy

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.



George Carlin

Philosophy

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.



George Carlin

Philosophy

You can’t argue with a
goodDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
blowjob.



George Carlin

Philosophy

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.



George Carlin

Philosophy

You
knowDefinition of knowledge: Secured insight is considered knowledge. An insight can never be considered absolutely secured, but only as beyond reasonable doubt.
the
goodDefinition of good: A relative term for the things, states, activities and attitudes that are conducive to human life.
part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.



George Carlin

Philosophy

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.



George Carlin

Philosophy

“No comment” is a comment.



George Carlin

Philosophy

“One
thingDefinition of thing: All, that confronts the subject, as a recognising ego, as perceptable content in the external world.
leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.



George Carlin

Philosophy

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major
religionsDefinition of religion: A worldview, based on the belief in one or more supernatural, unearthly, extrasensory forces and principles, that transcend the physical universe.
, and even vegetarians!



George Carlin